LWKMD. There's definitely no way I can savor the pleasure of this piece of hilarious material all by myself. So, I share this phone conversation I've just had this otherwise cheerless Sunday morning.
As usual, my phone was on silent mode to allow me sleep. Apparently, Maduwuotele has been calling me since 5:30am. Imbecile! Doesn't he know it was too early and sleep is sweetest at that time of day.
Now, don't ask how I know when people call me, because I actually swallowed a SIM card in 2002 (a mirror sim of my current number, which alerts me when someone important is calling me).
Ok, so on seeing 9 missed calls from Otele or Madu, whichever your preference, I elected to return his call:
Otele: De Emeka good morning. Bros, I'm snookered!
Me: What's up bro!
Otele: Dede hafu bekee for now, nsogbu di.
Me: Owu giri?
Otele: Bros, there's one babe with me...hian...I don't understand her O!
Me: Chief talk na! Stop wasting time, if this is a serious matter. And why are you whispering?
Otele: Chair, I'm hiding in the toilet. I ma na awum a fucking coward. I don jam toronkwocha!
Me: Otele, biko kpoo okwu awha biko nu nwanne.
Otele: Ok. Dede, you know I hate to carry babes.
Me: Shut up there idiot like you! Have you started carrying guys?
Otele: Not like that, Amadioha nnam. I mean anaghim achu umunwanyi.
Me: Jesus mekweerem ebere!
Otele: Dede, Maria nyedirim aka O!
Me (now thoroughly impatient): Bros, if you don't have anything to say biko hapum kam jikere for morning mass.
Otele: Ok, bros. I carry one babe from club last night. I asked her name and she said Joseph!
Me: Joseph kwa?
Otele: Gbam! Joseph.
Me: Onyea owu nwoke ka owu nwanyi?
Otele: Dede, I told you I carried a babe...Obirin...woman!
Me: Onwere ara?
Otele: Chai! Dede, you should know my spec by now.
Me: This boy, you're burning my airtime and yarning dust. Hope you've not started smoking something.
Otele: Agu, leave me O! Let me tell you this story in detail, in case I don't survive.
Me: Oh dear! Maduwuotele!!! What's going down?
Otele: (now he's beginning to sound a bit hysterical) Dede, Joseph told me she's a Building Engineer. According to her, she builds and demolishes erections.
Me: Nice one there! So?
Otele: Along the way, she said we needed to agree on rules of engagement. I quickly told her I have ribbed, studded condoms and I don't do number 2, to allay whatever fears she may have.
Me: Nnaa lekwanum trouble O! Which one is number one and number two?
Otele: Bros, fi le! Not important. Sebi, you want me to hit the shit straight? Now you have it. The nwambeti told me her "nkiru" is a "no-fly zone"!
Me: Chinekeee! How? Why?
Otele: Joseph si if should in case I touch her breast, whatever I see I will take.
Me: That's a small thing na.
Otele: Nwanne, it's not. It wasn't. It has not been. And it will never be. Because as ayam talking to you right now (said in the thickest Igbo accent), there's fire on the mountain. I touched her breasts!!!
Me (now utterly curious): What happened?
Otele: What's happening, Dede, is what you should be asking me.
Me: Ok. Tell me whichever one you want to tell me.
Otele: Bros, after the reggae enter blues, I mistakenly grabbed her breasts, and she erupted like a volcano!
Me: How?
Otele: She burst into tears, then started shouting, then she was twisting and turning violently on the bed.
Me: Blood of Jesus!!!
Otele: Dede, I haven't seen this type of thing before or even see am for film. O di egwu!
Me: Wow!
Otele: Bros, it's been more than one hour and Joseph hasn't stopped jerking and moaning and twisting and turning and she's even fallen off the bed. Amadioha amagbudaalam!
Me: Goodness gracious me! What do we call udiri ihe nkea biko?
Otele: Dede, are you asking me? That's why I called you. Biko help me.
Me: You dey craze! Did they tell you I'm encyclopedia womannica?
Otele: I kara pieces, Dede. Biko, if you don't know, which I doubt, please call that your personal doctor, Doctor Arinze. Biko, the mbeti is still shaking gbirigbiri. Ayam scared O!
Me: Perhaps, she's experiencing orgasmic ejaculation.
Otele: Gbam! Dede Gbam! This is spiritual organism! Chai! Anwuolam meeeen! Who send me eh?
Me: Nwokem, the word is orgasm, not organism. And which one is spiritual orgasm, biko?
Otele: Bros, agu ka ibu! I knew you'd know. What are we going to do now, biko? I'm totally snookered as you'd say, my Chair.
Me: Ok, drop let me talk to Dr. Arinze. Hopefully, you'll learn your lesson after this one.
I believe Otele is still on the line with Dr. Arinze. Young men! They never learn!
I had to quickly share this before I die alone laughing. Hopefully, I'll share the remaining story, if it ends well.
Happy Sunday!
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